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~ Promoting awareness and heightened appreciation for excellence in the literary arts throughout the Piedmont Region

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Tag Archives: Writer’s journey

If Lady Gaga’s boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend can do it, then we can too

28 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by Tamara in comparison

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

comparison, Tamara Kissane, Writer's Block, Writer's journey

  • How often do you compare yourself to other writers?
  • How do you compare yourself to other writers?
  • Afterwards, how do you feel? Inspired or deflated? Encouraged or shut down?

This is how I feel when I start sliding down the comparison chute:

It’s almost impossible to avoid these days, right? (The comparison chute, not the luge.)

Even without the luge-like experience of scrolling through social media which can leave me cold and potentially broken on my worst days or winded and manic on my best days…even when I disconnect entirely, my day-to-day conversations are primed to invite ranking and stacking myself against others. “How’s so-and-so doing?” “Oh, I heard that so-and-so is blah blah blah.” “Whatever happened to so-and-so?” “Did you hear about so-and-so?” “What did you do today?”

That reflexive action bubbles up to measure myself against other people’s circumstances. “I don’t want to be that.” “I wish I could do that.” “I will never.…”

Friends, raise your hands if you know this is toxic. (Ok, raise your hand right now because I am telling you This. Is. Toxic.) Raise your hands if you do this sometimes.

Right. Well, that way madness lies. That way is a massive writing roadblock. That way squelches our unique voices.

To be plain, if we want to do some primo writing and lessen the suffering that accompanies it (there’s always pain, but perhaps we don’t have suffer so much?), then in my opinion, we have two options:

  1. Never compare.
  2. Use others as inspiration and encouragement.

Option number 2 works best for me. Which one works for you?

There’s a fun article in the New York Times Opinion section written by Lindsay Crouse titled My Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend Is Lady Gaga. The story is pretty self-explanatory, but the twist is that Lindsay Crouse uses this discovery as an opportunity to lift herself up. Yes!

Lady Gaga is amazing. Comparing yourself with her is incredibly motivational, and I recommend you try it, regardless of how you relate to who’s dating her.

At least, that’s what I did.

I like Lady Gaga just fine, but I actually find my comparison-turned-inspiration closer to home. I’m inspired by the artists and friends who surround me and with whom I have long and deep relationships or short and meaningful ones. Reading Crouse’s positively framed opinion piece brought to mind a conversation that turned into a blog post written in 2017. You’ll see it below. I was excited to dust it off and remind myself that time is best spent in high-frequency mode.

How about you? (And, let me know if this is useful.)

*******

High-Frequency Comparison is Part II of a blogversation on the Artist Soapbox website about comparing ourselves to other artists. Read Part I, by Mara Thomas first. (Part I and Part II were originally posted in November 2017.)
**
Over churros at Cocoa Cinnamon, Mara and I spent some time talking about what she termed “low-frequency comparison.”  Low-frequency comparison is the kind of comparison you use to make yourself feel bad – a self-flagellating tool. “High-frequency comparison” on the other hand is the kind of comparison you use to encourage yourself – an inspirational tool. Low-frequency’s easy to slide into. It’s familiar, simple and doesn’t require us to make any changes in behavior or thought patterns. Low-frequency comparison allows more of the same…and more of the same is easier, the path of least resistance.

 

So, if comparison sling-shots you directly into low-frequency territory, then I totally agree with Mara, just don’t go there. Don’t do that to yourself. Stop comparing immediately. If you consistently race towards low-frequency, that’s a signal to investigate your own awesomeness for awhile and learn to embrace your self-worth. That’s a signal that you need to fill up your self-love bucket. Do that, please. Focus on reframing your vision of yourself because that internal re-tooling will pay you dividends over and over. You have worth. You deserve to believe that.

 

If however, you’re feeling pretty solid about your value as a human and artist, and if you’d like to make positive changes, then open yourself to some high-frequency comparison. Look around at people you admire (you don’t need to start with the superstars, there are likely fabulous peeps right in your local orbit) and see what those you admire are doing. Is anyone living a life closer to the one you want to live? Is anyone making art that’s closer to the art you want to make? Is there anyone you can use as an example or model for whatever changes you want to make?

 

Re-orientating to high-frequency comparison has helped me enormously and in significant ways. It’s my go-to fixit. I think, “What would this person do right now? How would that person solve this problem/approach this mess/respond/decide/etc? What would the person-I-admire say right now?” And the ideas start flowing because people are doing MANY THINGS better than I am — good for them! —  and their examples teach me, inspire me, encourage me to try.

 

Ultimately, I’m still me being me, and I’ll do it my way, but I feel like I have more fuel in the tank. Because to be honest, in several areas of my life, I’ve run out of ideas. Over the last few decades, I solved problems ‘my own way’ and that didn’t work or the outcome was subpar. I have blindspots and tangles that I can’t work out. I’m ready for new ways of doing and being and I’m surrounded by inspirational people who are doing and being those things. It’s thrilling to see others thriving, living with integrity and purpose, aligning their inner compass and their outward actions, eating vegetables, and quitting nasty habits like biting their nails. I want to do that too.

 

Although low-frequency comparison flickers on the edge of my perception more frequently than I’d like, I have many wonderful high-frequency days when I compare myself to the Patti Smiths of the world and think, “Wow, I’m gonna infuse my life with a little of her creative bad-assery…..so…WWPD (what would Patti do)?”

 

What do you think? What would you do?

The Easy Way is Hard Enough

01 Tuesday May 2018

Posted by nancystoryflow in Advancing the story, Alchemy of writing, Attention, Observation, Process, Story, Writer's journey, Writing Advice

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Advancing the story, Attention, Process, Story, Writer's journey

I have an obsession with hand-built houses. To feed my obsession I look at pictures in books with a magnifying glass, and in doing so I become curious about the people who live in these houses. I look closely at their knickknacks, the pictures hanging on the walls, the shampoo they use, and especially the books on their shelves. I am a voyeur. All writers are voyeurs.

I don’t believe that writers are born with special spy genes, or eavesdropping genes, but that early on in our lives, for some reason, we learned to observe. For me honing the skill of observation came from being terribly shy and lacking confidence. Later it was honed further through writing.

One day, looking through my magnifying glass at a picture of a woodworking shop, I read a sign on the wall that said, “The Easy Way is Hard Enough.”

That’s writing, I thought. That’s my writing philosophy. Why fill a room with six characters who stand around invisibly witnessing an important interaction between two characters? Why have a character go to bed, and then get up, and go back to bed, and then get up, and then finally do the thing that needs to be done to advance to story? Keep it simple. The easy way is hard enough.

My first novel, LIFE WITHOUT WATER, grew from my first short story, written for the first writing class I’d taken since high school. The assignment was simple: Write a short story. I had no idea what to write about and I only had a week to do it in. Time ticked by as I stabbed and stabbed at that story. Three days in I was at my kitchen table stabbing some more. I decided to take a walk to clear my mind, and ended up in a used bookstore where I found a small paperback about communes in the sixties. I flipped through the center section of black and white pictures: bearded men chopping wood, naked gardeners, dirty children, a kitchen filled with pans of rising bread dough, a woman outside a shack sawing a board for some repair. I came of age in the sixties. This was my era. These were my people. I knew about these wild reclaimed places with the slippery driveways and the crummy insulation and the snakes in the walls. I’d reclaimed a few myself, and suffered through a few winters, and thrown a lot of wood into a woodstove. While I no longer lived this lifestyle, I still loved these places. I still drove out into the country some times, just to find and visit an old abandoned house.

I purchased the book and decided to write about the reunion of a commune, which quickly became far more than I could handle. All those people who’d once shared an old house had dispersed, abandoned the lifestyle, become what they’d become and had their own stories to tell. Too many stories. The noise of that many characters became too loud and unfocused. And so I decided to write from the point of view of one child who’d grown up on a commune.

This was my first lesson in “The Easy Way is Hard Enough.”

I don’t always know my journey as a writer. I don’t always know my journey as a teacher. I don’t always know my journey as a human being. But I do know journeys, and I have found that “The Easy Way is Hard Enough” is good philosophy for nearly every undertaking – from writing to teaching to cooking a meal to life itself.

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